Foreword by Pareet Sodha: "
I have often marvelled at the skills displayed by James on a cricket field. He with out doubt one of the finest cricketers I have played alongside and I have long aspired to match the standards of performance he has set. It has been my great privilege to watch, captain and play alongside James and I am delighted that he has decided to lay down his thoughts in such a precise and easy to follow format enabling myself, amongst others, to improve my own game in the seasons to come.
I would encourage players young and old in particular old gits such as Tim powell who aspire to one day actually be able to captain a side as well as i have to study this manual as I will now do, taking it to my bed every night just so I can dream of being 'James Ezzard' on a Saturday afternoon. "
Pareet Sodha xx
Lesson #1. In the field if the ball is travelling along the ground and you don't fancy bending down. Just use your feet to stop the ball.
Lesson #2. If you make a mistake in the field. Immediately feign injury.
Lesson #3. Light enhancing sunglasses inprove your game by 25%.
Lesson #4. If you want a mention in the match report ensure there is a dive/roll after any catch.
Lesson #5. If you are given out LBW, the decision is naturally incorrect. Ensure you spend the rest of the game bad mouthing the umpire to your team mates.
Lesson #6. Lack of ability, the pitch and good bowling are traditionally known as the batsmans worst enemies. This is incorrect, the biggest problem a batsman faces is the storm fly.
Lesson #7. When umpiring ensure you give the batsmen plenty of batting tips. They really appreciate the input and scientists agree it's likely to improve their game 17%, which could be the difference between winning & losing.
Lesson #8. When fielding in the deep and the batsman skies one towards you. Don't move towards the ball, take 5 steps back instead and let the ball drop short. This ensures the hard cricket ball doesn't hurt your hands.
Lesson #9. Tantrums are the best way of expressing your opinion to the captain.
Lesson #10. When you bowl a full toss/long hop immediately check the ground where your foot landed. If this happens several times point to the ground and ask to swap ends. This way everybody knows that it's not your fault.
Lesson #11. A strike rate of less than a run an over is perfectly normal. Anything more is just showing off.
Lesson #12. Whilst playing a match at home it's tradition during your teams batting innings to sit in the clubhouse and watch Football/Cricket/Eastenders instead of your teams game.
Lesson #13. The more ducks you get the more likely it is you'll get pushed up the order.
Lesson #14. When asked to go in 'as close as you feel comfortable', standing just behind the square leg umpire is apparently frowned upon.
Lesson #15. When you first come into bat show the oppo you mean business by marking out your guard with a bail. This is the internationally recognised sign that you are a top batsman.
Lesson #16. It's club tradition for new members to claim they can bat & bowl a bit. It is also club tradition to then prove that they can neither bat or bowl a bit.
Epilogue by Tim Powell
Having printed the manual many times over and placed in various locations around my lavatory, i have realised just how flawed my game is. I would like to take this opportunity to thank James in producing such a great piece of literature. I have made it my morning ritual to stand in front of the mirror in my toilet semi naked while telling my self continuiosly that i can do it, I can and I will master all 16 lessons to the best of my ability, however limited they are. What i find also works well is having a photo of James close by, the special photo has James pointing at me as if to encourage me. It makes the hairs on my arms stand up. The hair on my head would stand up too but unfortunetly that is no longer possible as i have pulled it all out in the rage that i have felt watching Bungle bowl full tosses on leg stump. Although i do wish i could bowl quick enough to reach the leg stump with even a double bounce ball.
Good luck guys your friendly baldy Tim. xXx
update 18/08/2009
Quick update guys, i manged to master Lesson 13, i'm moving up
to number 2 bat.
Update to my update
I have just had an idea while pumping myself up in front of my make up mirror
in fact its a master stroke. I have decided to give up batting
i feel it is unfair on our bowlers that i am on a weekly basis
helping our opposition bowlers averages.
I am now a fulltime bowler. I have been mastering my half trackers
for the last few weeks and i believe i can now bowl at a full
5 Mph, watch out boys, im gunning for you!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs and Kisses
Tim
xoxo
Special update
Guys a real treat for you all, here is my special picture of James
please feel free to print a copy and use as i do.
Love you all Timmy XOXO
Footnote by Pareet Sodha:
Guys, this manual is sooo good, not only am I reading it in bed but I've secretly stolen James' bat so I can snuggle up under the covers with it after deciding that Ian's bat was 'so last season'. Just the touch of it makes the hairs on my body tingle. Much more tingling and Bungle the Bear wont be a good enough nickname for me anymore. When we sleep we shall lie like spoons together. I can feel myself being a much calmer person for this experience and I look forward to encouraging and supporting all my team mates on Saturday, especially Alton who I hope has got as much out of this manual as I am getting right now whilst I lie here.
Sweet dreams boys, the world is now a wonderful calm and peaceful place - come on you Spurs!!
Bungle xxxxxxx
Tweet update by Turd chucker Powell.
Paddy i wish i had hair.
James i want to make you tingle.tweet you cats later
power Powell out
Toodles XOXO